How often have you heard “Communication is important” or, “Effective communication is key” or “You need to communicate better”? I think we can all agree that we have heard this many many times… But no one gives us the How to communicate better, or what it is we should be communicating. Whether it be a romantic relationship, a neutral relationship, a relationship with a colleague, a relationship with a sibling, etc. – we all need to know how to communicate with them, but what exactly should we communicate in order to avoid unsettling the dynamic in the relationship?
Communication is a two-way street. If both parties are performing this task well, then you will have good communication. However, communicating basic instructions such as directions, or a recipe for example, is simple and can be done well. But what happens when we add feelings to the mix – communicating becomes a lot more difficult. Benchmark Institute published an article on the levels of communication. They use these to train people in how to communicate. To understand communication, it is important to understand the complexity of it.
Levels of Communication
1. Content
The factual material, the basic words themselves, or what one is talking about.
2. Feelings
I may be talking about how to build a sailboat, a painting, or anything. If the subject is very important, I will very likely be experiencing some feelings – enthusiasm, pleasure, disgust, or whatever – as I’m transmitting. The feelings are vital and important and I may not feel very important if these feelings are ignored or misunderstood.
3. Feelings about feelings.
I may be talking about boat building, and feeling very enthusiastic, but I may also be embarrassed or ashamed of my enthusiasm. Or I may be angry with you, but also feel guilty or fearful about my anger. Feelings about feelings are an important aspect of communication and can create many problems in communication.
4. The fourth level pertains to the motivation involved, or what the transmitter is seeking.
Why is he/she transmitting this message? What is the purpose, the reason, for her telling me this? What does the transmitter want, what is he/she up to, or seeking from me? I may be discussing boat building with you in an effort to impress you with my knowledge, or because I want to sell you something, or in an effort to get you to help me, or simply because you are my friend, and I want to share my pleasure with you,
The most important part of communicating is listening. It seems that most people don’t listen but instead wait to talk. Active listening is a skill that requires us to listen carefully. Observe the person talking – what do you think they are feeling? Are they upset, angry or excited? Getting all of this information will help you to better respond to the person. You can also identify within yourself how you are feeling about what is being said and engage accordingly.