Many of us have experienced the following situation:
“You have just arrived at the office, after just having a major fight with your spouse who has threatened to leave you if you do not ‘open up emotionally’. Your reaction to this is extreme fear (which you have immediately supressed because you cannot stand the feeling of being vulnerable which fear brings). So, you put a furiously angry ‘plaster’ over the wound and walk into work ready to battle anyone that you encounter. You continue your day aggressively and find fault with mostly everything and react with sarcasm towards fellow colleagues. By lunchtime no one wants to share the same breathing space as you. When you arrive home, you find that your partner has cooked your favourite meal and they tell you that they were unable to cope with the thought of losing you. You and your spouse share a bottle of wine and the quarrel is patched up.”
This situation relates to many people’s inability to recognise feelings when they are happening. It also relates to the ability to handle uncomfortable emotions once we can accept that we are feeling them.
Our emotions are very strong – human survival depends on emotion because they give us an instant way to act much faster than what a conscious thought would give us. One of the most powerful emotions we experience is fear. In the situation described above, the person was experiencing fear – not anger. I always tell my clients that anger is a mask for something else. Usually, when we explore a little bit deeper, we find the emotion they are really feelings.
How do our emotions influence our thinking?
Emotions are created when our brains are trying to interpret what is going on around us. This interpretation is though our memories, thoughts and beliefs. This then triggers how we feel about what is going on around us and influences our behaviour. All our decisions are influenced by this process in some way. Emotions don’t only influence the nature of our decisions, but also influence the speed that we make the decision – think ‘fight or flight’. Emotions give our world meaning and texture. Emotions help us to be understood by other people.
So essentially, we really need emotions – even though, sometimes, they do not feel very helpful or can come at very inconvenient times. We cannot turn emotions off.
How can we learn from our emotions?
Emotions are great teachers but their educational methods are not very conventional ones. Our emotions teach us primarily through experiencing suffering and joy. Both of these emotions are great motivators for change. However, only once they have our attention and we begin to understand them, can they teach us something.
Fortunately, none of us need to try figure out our emotions alone. We have trained professionals to help with this. One of the greatest things about counselling is that you get to learn about your emotions and triggers – you just have to trust the learning process.